The Worst Crossover in the History of the Universe
by marysuemarauder
Summary: The sorceress Blythiemecia and Xellos attempt to take over the world through the use of the worst crossover fanfiction ever written. It spans Slayers, Final Fantasy, Buffy, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, and god knows what else.
1. Prologue to Madness

The Worst Crossover Fanfiction in the History of the Whole Entire Universe Ever.  
By Blythe (who is oh so proud of herself, as per usual ^^v)  
  
**CHAPTER 1**  
  
Once upon a time, there was a great sorceress named Blythiemecia. Blythiemecia wanted to take over the world, as it was required of her occupation as stated in her contract. One day while sipping Frappucino and nibbling her newly-delivered, somewhat lukewarm pizza (which was free, thanks to the fact that it is excessively difficult for pizza boys to find alternate dimensions in under fifteen minutes, as the television commercials clearly boasted) she began her plans. "What is the most evil thing the world has ever seen? The most horribly disgusting insult to humankind? The blight upon earth's pure soil? I must find this thing and use it to my advantage."  
  
Unfortunately, Richard Simmons was out making another video and Jerry Falwell was so busy having a brain aneurism over Blythiemecia'a skanky costume that she couldn't quite convince him to help her out. So she was forced to rely on the world's third most evil thing...  
  
Fanfiction.  
  
"Xellos!" she yelled, summoning the messenger-boy / sex slave she'd yoinked shamelessly from her cousin, Zelas, "I want your purple ass to get in here and do my dirty work!"  
  
"Y'know, that's what I like about you," Xellos mused as he appeared before her. "You're utterly tactless."  
  
"I knew you'd appreciate it. Anyway, I have a new mission for you. Go out into the world and fetch me my favorite characters from each domain of fandom. And while you're at it, fetch the most popular ones that I don't know about."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Your job isn't to ask why. Your job is to get your bitch-ass in the kitchen and bake me a pie."  
  
"..."  
  
"Sorry, wrong story."  
  
"I'll say. Whatever happened to women's lib?"  
  
"You're not a woman."  
  
"But I look a whole lot better in a Chinese dress than you do."  
  
"Honey, no one looks better in that dress than you do. At any rate, get moving. Taking over the world is tricky, time-consuming business, you know. And Survivor just came on."  
  
"Yes ma'am." And off he went.  
  
***  
  
Hours later, Xellos had returned, a large plastic garbage bag balanced precariously upon his head. This was quite a feat, considering the bag was chock-full of chibi-fied anime, gaming, and general fandom characters he'd yoinked from their respective universes.   
  
"Dirty work complete, Blythiemecia-sama," he announced, dumping the bag at her feet. There was a general cry of protest from the bag, which both evildoers ignored ... evilly. Because, y'know, they're evil.  
  
"Boy, wouldn't it be neat if someone with talent were writing this story?" Blythiemecia mused to no one in particular. When Xellos didn't answer her (he was too busy poking at the bag with his stick), she shrugged and got down to business. "How many fandoms did you steal from, Xellos?"  
  
"I lost track after the twentieth one. I went to all the other anime you directed me to, plus all the games, movies, books, television shows, and even a few webcomics your geeky ass visits."  
  
"Geek Pride!!!" Blythiemecia made an 80's rock type gesture with her hands, which Xellos promptly ignored.  
  
"So what are you going to do with all of these?" he asked, poking at the bag again. He seemed amused at the sounds of pain and anguish it was emitting.  
  
"What else? Find the cheesiest possible setting to stuff them and let them run free."  
  
"What will that accomplish?"  
  
"Nothing, unless we write about it."  
  
"Okay, what will *that* accomplish?"  
  
"See, there's this fanfiction phenomenon that occurs all over the world, mostly in humans between the ages of twelve and twenty - they find a fandom they throw themselves into and devote their lives to it. That's all well and good, but the really frightening ones decide they're better at it than the initial creators are, and then start writing about it themselves."  
  
"What's so bad about that? You always said humans should be allowed to express their geekiness in such ways."  
  
She would have done the Geek Pride gesture again, but Xellos opened his eyes, which is a sure sign not to irritate him any more than necessary. "It's not the idea itself that's bad. Some people actually can pull off a good fanfiction. It's the ones who can't that make the world a little bit scarier. We're going to cash in on that power."  
  
"Oh come on. How bad can it get? They're just words on a paper."  
  
"Let's see..." Blythiemecia whipped out her laptop and started surfing around fanfiction.net. "Ah, here we go. 'Xellos turns from the Mazoku and discovers the loving, kind spirit within himself. Lina helps him along the way, and they discover true love in one another for the first time.' And there's a lemon warning for chapters four and beyond."  
  
"What's a lemon?"  
  
"Characters having cliched, disgustingly romantic sex, using as many euphemisms for 'doing the nasty' as are humanly possible."  
  
There was a long pause as Xellos thought that over. Then...  
  
"So when do we start the apocalypse?"  
  
"Now." 


	2. Sorting, Angsty Gothboys, and Roll Call

The Worst Crossover Fanfiction in the History of the Whole Entire Universe Ever.  
By Blythe (who is oh so proud of herself, as per usual ^^v)  
  
**CHAPTER 2**  
  
Once upon a time-  
  
_"Hey, you used that to start chapter one!"_  
  
_"That's what makes it BAD, Xellos."_  
  
_"Oh. Proceed."_  
  
Once upon a time, deep in the heart of the Centra continent, there was a school. Not just any school, of course, because that would make this fiction dull and boring and no one would read it-  
  
_"Who says we have readers now?"_  
  
_"If you don't stop interrupting me, there aren't going to be any. And you're going to be missing a vital part of your anatomy."_  
  
_"Ah. Proceed."_  
  
At any rate, the school was special. And not just because it could fly, shoot cannons, breed dinosaurs, and produce headmasters who wore kinky leather pants and fur. No, the school had become open to all who discovered it, to any student who wished to learn, any professor who wished to teach, any background character who wanted to blend into a different background.  
  
As such, it became easy cannon fodder for crossovers. And as easy cannon fodder for crossovers, the first few days of school were chaos.  
  
"Why the hell do we have to get sorted, anyway?" complained a red-haired, red-eyed sorceress, crossing her arms over her nonexistent chest and growling to herself.  
  
_"You just HAD to pick her up, didn't you?"_  
  
_"I enjoy making her life more ... interesting."_  
  
_"Right. I think you've got a crush."_  
  
_"If you call the desire to string her up by her toes and let vultures peck out her eyes, then yes, I have a crush."_  
  
_"Bitter much?"_  
  
_"I'm EVIL. It's what I DO."_  
  
_"Oh right. I keep forgetting."_  
  
_"You and the rest of the fanfiction world."_  
  
_"Been hacking into my laptop again, I see."_  
  
_"If I see one more Xellos/Zelgadis lemon pairing, I'm going to vomit."_  
  
"Uh, what *is* sorting, anyway?" her companion replied, scratching at his long, blonde head.  
  
"I dunno, but I don't want any part in it unless there's some food involved," she responded.  
  
"Food?!" Instantly there was a short, blonde, pigtailed girl at her side, searching through her bookbag for evidence of such.  
  
"Silence in the Great Hall!" An old man with both beard and hair trailing to the floor made a gentle attempt at controlling the chaos. "First years line up at the-"  
  
He was interrupted and pushed roughly into a chair by everyone's favorite kinky leather gothboy. "*I'm* the owner of this particular school, thankyouverymuch."  
  
_"L-sama, could you get Squall any MORE out of character?"_  
  
_"Were you not paying attention when I told you we were TRYING to make it suck?"_  
  
_"I keep forgetting. Proceed."_  
  
Squall stood up on a table, ready to make a speech introducing the students to their new environment, explaining the sorting ceremony (which didn't actually MEAN anything, it was mostly just for shits and giggles), and handing out class schedules ... but then he remembered that he was the source of angst in the fiction, and stepped back off the table with only a cursory, "...whatever" to explain why he'd even jumped on it in the first place.  
  
At any rate, a brilliant plot device managed to control the chaos, sort the students (Sephiroth and Kuja were delighted to be in Slytherin together, and shared a particularly long snog in celebration), and move the story forward into classtime, which is really the best (worst?) part of this story.  
  
_"Why are Kuja and Sephiroth making out?"_  
  
_"Because every fanfiction needs some gratuitous yaoi action."_  
  
_"But you don't like that coupling."_  
  
_"Whoever said they were a couple? That was just to draw in the yaoi fans."_  
  
_"You are truly a genius."_  
  
_"I know it."_  
  
_"Proceed."_  
  
Quistis Trepe strode into her classroom in her usual pinky-peach attire, whip close at hand (just in case Squall and his kinky leather pants decided to stroll by). Taking a seat at her desk, she surveyed the students carefully, then pulled the roll-call sheet out of her briefcase and began to read off names.  
  
"Zidane Tribal?"  
  
"Right here, sweetcheeks." A long monkey tail emerging from the boy's butt waved at her, then engaged itself in obscene gestures.  
  
Quistis decided to ignore him for the time being. "Aerith Gainsborough?"  
  
"Aeris," the girl corrected politely.  
  
"No one cares," she informed her. "You died."  
  
"Oh. Right."  
  
"Gourry Gabriev?"  
  
"Here!" It was shouted around the computer key he was munching on.  
  
"Legolas Greenleaf?"  
  
A drop-dead-gorgeous elf boy raised his hand. "That's me."  
  
"I have to warn you, our author hated 'Fellowship of the Ring,' hasn't read the books since middle school, and generally doesn't know a damn thing about you, so you'll likely end up being a tree-hugging, pot-smoking, dirty old hippy by the end of this fic."  
  
"Groovy," he muttered around a joint that suddenly appeared in his mouth.  
  
"Frodo Bagboy?"  
  
"That isn't my last name."  
  
"It isn't?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Oh, well, the author doesn't know anything about you either, so you'll end up being a dirty old hippy along with Legolas."  
  
"S'cool," he replied, snatching the joint from Legolas and taking a long toke.  
  
"Urd ... uh, Urd?"  
  
"Yeah?" She had no top on and was obviously still right in the middle of her morning routine. She only had her hand raised because she was applying deodorant.  
  
"No last name?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
"Ah. Going to get dressed anytime soon?"  
  
"Wasn't planning on it."  
  
"Ah." Sometimes, it was better not to ask. "Vash the Stampede?"  
  
"MMPH!" He was choking on a donut.  
  
"Buffy Summers?"  
  
"Here." She was stabbing at him with a stick, trying to dislodge the offending breakfast food.  
  
"Satine?"  
  
She coughed violently into a handkerchief in response.  
  
"Okay, I think those are the only characters who matter." About twenty other students grumbled loudly. "Well the rest of you are either non-playable characters, background characters, or cannon fodder. If we learned your names, we'd have to give you personalities."  
  
There was a general murmur of agreement and no further protests were made.  
  
"And seeing as this chapter only served to entertain the readers with the wide array of characters within one fic, class is now dismissed. Go make some witty hijinks as your homework."  
  
_"You're really bad at this, Blythiemecia-sama."_  
  
_"I keep telling you, that's the point." _


	3. The Lunch Crowd Discovers Triple Triad a...

The Worst Crossover Fanfiction in the History of the Whole Entire Universe Ever.  
By Blythe (who is oh so proud of herself, as per usual ^^v)  
  
**CHAPTER 3**  
  
The cafeteria was in its usual disarray at lunchtime as Lina Inverse, Buffy Summers, Aeris Gainsborough, Rikku AlBhed, and Shampoo the Amazon sat down to eat together. Since these characters were obviously so much alike and had so much in common-  
  
_"They do?"_  
  
_"Sure."_  
  
_"Like what?"_  
  
_"Like ... they're all girls. And they have blonde hair."_  
  
_"Only two of them have blonde hair, Blythiemecia-sama."_  
  
_"Shut up."_  
  
-they had become close friends, or had at least gotten to the point where they could put up with each other long enough to sit at the same table and eat their lunch.  
  
"Shampoo learn new game today!" the purple-haired girl announced, waving a few cards in the air.  
  
Aeris pretended to be politely interested. "Did you really? Tell us about it."  
  
"Triple Triad! Is cards with numbers. Is fun. You want try?"  
  
Lina, a longtime player of the game herself, snatched a few cards for herself and looked them over. "How come the Rinoa Heartilly card has two unflippable sides?"  
  
"Who's Rinoa Heartilly?" Buffy asked.  
  
"A sorceress who used to be married to Squall," Lina explained.  
  
"Well if she's a sorceress, she'd have to be pretty powerful..." Rikku mused.  
  
"Nope. Utterly useless. Used her dog for protection. Died last year in an accident involving a mayonnaise lid screwed on too tight. Ricocheted off the jar and knocked her out."  
  
"Sad." Buffy was referring to the girl, not the accident.  
  
"Well this card's equally useless then," Lina observed, tearing it to shreds.  
  
Shampoo freaked out. "IS RARE CARD! SHAMPOO LOSE IFRIT CARD TO GET!"  
  
"That's your own stupid fault. The Ifrit card is ten times better than this one. Especially so far as looks are concerned."  
  
Shampoo thought about it for a minute. "Lina right."  
  
"Aren't I always?"  
  
"Hey," Rikku looked up from the intricate process of making a hand grenade out of a fork and a soda can, "what's all the commotion about?"  
  
She gestured to the cafeteria's food counter, where a skinny, dark-haired boy had burst into tears. "No! I can't handle this anymore! I know I said I'd eat the hot dogs, but that was before I knew my dad was one of the cooks! I refuse to do this anymore! I can't handle the pressure! The stress! The STRESS! AAAUUUGGGHHH!" He finished his gurgling scream and ran out, tears streaming down his face. No one so much as blinked.  
  
"Oh, that's just Shinji Ikari," Buffy explained. "He does that at least once every day. He's in my mech class. Big weenie. I'll bet even Aeris could beat him up."  
  
"Hey! I'm fairly useful in a fight!" Aeris protested.  
  
"Except for the fact that you're dead," Rikku pointed out, wiring up the prongs of the fork to the coke tab.  
  
"If I'm dead then why am I here?"  
  
_"What the hell did you write THAT for, Xellos?"_  
  
_"Well she IS, isn't she?"_  
  
_"Yes, but so are a bunch of other characters in this. Quit messing with the mortality scale and fix it."_  
  
_"But Quistis told her she was dead earlier and it didn't matter."_  
  
_"That's because it's a bad fanfiction and plot holes like that are completely acceptable. If you write sentences like that, how are you going to even attempt to explain your way out of them? I don't want to have to think up intricate, ridiculous logic. Fix it now."_  
  
_"But-"_  
  
_"NOW!"_  
  
_"Hai, Blythiemecia-sama."_  
  
"Hey! I'm fairly useful in a fight!" Aeris protested.  
  
"Except for causing love triangles wherever you go," Rikku pointed out, wiring up the prongs of the fork to the coke tab.  
  
"Oh. Well. That."  
  
_"Better."_  
  
_"Thank you."_  
  
"So what classes do you guys have next?" Buffy asked.  
  
"The Casting of Black Magic with Professor Lulu," Lina grumbled. "As if I NEED to be taught."  
  
"World Domination and How to Make it Work for You with Professor Sephiroth," Rikku recited. "But not for another two hours or so."  
  
"Rikku not evil," Shampoo pointed out.  
  
"I thought it would be good to make sure I have a well-rounded education."  
  
"You is crazy."  
  
"Said the Amazon who doesn't even have a basic understanding of grammar."  
  
"Shut mouth."  
  
Ignoring them, Aeris piped up, "I've got Combat Techniques with Professors Beatrix and Freya."  
  
"Oh they kick ass," Buffy responded. "I have them in the morning. I've gotta go, though. I have Critical Thinking with Professor Threepwood."  
  
_"Threepwood?"_  
  
_"Guybrush Threepwood, the most idiotic pirate in the history of the Playstation. He starred in the 'Escape from Monkey Island' games."_  
  
_"You really ARE a geek."_  
  
_"Am not."_  
  
"Shampoo go to Holy Crap Class with Professor Strongbad."  
  
_"Are too."_  
  
_"Okay, you have me there."_  
  
_"So for the uninformed readers at home, who the hell is Strongbad?"_  
  
_"The star of Strongbad E-mail on HomeStarRunner.com's ingenious flash-cartoon webcomics."_  
  
_"I rest my case."_  
  
_"You hush up or I'll write you into this as Amelia's love-bunny."_  
  
_"Erk."_  
  
Lina sighed and grabbed a lone hot dog off of Rikku's plate without so much as an, "Are you gonna eat that?" Swallowing it whole, she stood, stretched, and grabbed her tray. "Well I'm outta here, you guys. Catch you later."  
  
Rikku grumbled at the loss of part of her lunch and went back to wiring up her makeshift grenade. "E'mm kad ran mydan..."  
  
_"Huh?"_  
  
_"She said, 'I'll get her later.' But she's an Al Bhed, so that's what I wrote it in."_  
  
_"How come none of her other lines are in Al Bhed, then?"_  
  
_"Sigh. Because it's a BAD FANFICTION and it's a crappy way of trying to set MOOD and CHARACTER. Have you learned nothing from this little project?"_  
  
_"Sheesh. Touchy."_  
  
As the girls gathered their garbage and began to exit the cafeteria, they noticed a shadowy, cliched sort of character leaning against the wall, talking with the Disciplinary Committee and giggling girlishly.  
  
"I wonder who that is..." Buffy mused before she left.  
  
_"Typical introduction of a mysterious character as a cliffhanger. I should have known."_  
  
_"At least I didn't pull any of that, 'Leave me reviews or I won't continue writing LOL!!!111' crap."_  
  
_"True. But that's because no one's reading this and you wouldn't get any reviews anyway."_  
  
_"Cram it, Namagomi."_


	4. The Disciplinary Committee Tries to Kill...

The Worst Crossover Fanfiction in the History of the Whole Entire Universe Ever.  
By Blythe (who is oh so proud of herself, as per usual ^^v)  
  
**CHAPTER 4**  
  
Seifer had had bad days in his past. First there was that whole 'Utter failure at becoming a SeeD' thing. Then there was that one time where he'd gone to work for his old adoptive mother, completely - or at least slightly - unaware that she was being possessed. There was even that little nagging feeling of shame he got every time he saw Squall and remembered how he'd kicked Seifer's sorry ass at least four times. But not even the thought of himself as a fallen knight, a failed student, a forgotten man, had made his life such a living hell as this one day, this one girl, had managed to do.  
  
"I'm sorry, I've managed to forget your name already," Seifer stammered. In reality, he knew he should have been able to remember it -- not even his prolonged exposure to GFs should have caused him to forget a name mere seconds after it was uttered, but the hazy fog of genkiness and perfection was suffocating him.  
  
"That's okay!" the girl exclaimed. "It's sort of plain and hard to remember. I'm Mary Sue."  
  
Never in his life had he felt the desire to use his gunblade on another human being so urgently as he did at that precise moment. Namely on himself.  
  
_"Hold on, hold on. What's Mary Sue from?"_  
  
_"From all of fanfiction.net."_  
  
_"Care to explain?"_  
  
_"Certainly. Mary Sue is the stereotypical original character that thirteen year old girls create and write about in order to make themselves feel better. For example, she's the girl who manages to fall into Middle Earth and gets Legolas to fall in love with her and she has her own ring and she's an elf princess and she's gorgeous and perfect in every way imaginable."_  
  
_"Instant death for a Mazoku, then."_  
  
_"Pretty much."_  
  
_"So what is she here for, anyhow?"_  
  
_"Just keep writing. You'll figure it out soon enough."_  
  
_"Hai, Blythiemecia-sama."_  
  
Fujin made a growling noise in the back of her throat. Cynical albino that she was, the genkiness had thankfully not altered her personality as it had Seifer's (because if this had been any other girl, he'd have already cast a few Firagas at her and swaggered off laughing), but the chipper feeling in the air was giving her a severe migraine. "DEPART," she demanded of the rest of the Disciplinary Committee.  
  
"Aw, c'mon Fujin, she's kinda cool, ya know?" Raijin had been brainwashed by the mere sight of the long, flowing white-blonde hair. The whole package had him rooted to the spot.   
  
Fujin took the opportunity to kick him in the shins, but even that had no effect. She huffed and crossed her arms. "RAGE," she declared.  
  
Seifer had to agree. "No, she's right, Raijin. We've got work to do."  
  
"Oh that's okay!" Mary Sue exclaimed.  
  
_"Again."_  
  
_"Mary Sues are always chipper. Not my fault."_  
  
_"Right."_  
  
"I was on the Disciplinary Committee at my old Garden, too! I can totally help you guys out! In fact, I thought of a few new rules you might want to implement..."  
  
"Wow, you're really good at this, ya know? We haven't thought up any new rules since we founded the committee," Raijin practically simpered.  
  
"RULES, UNNECESSARY. ENFORCEMENT, POINTLESS," Fujin explained curtly.  
  
"Yeah ... yeah," Seifer agreed, rubbing the bridge of his nose and willing the hazy fog out of his skull cavity. "The only ones who break the rules are the members of the committee anyway, so our work is pretty much finished before it even begins. So we're really sorry, but we should probably go see if we need to pick up that new GF Headmaster Dumbledore was talking-"  
  
"Oh, GFs are such fascinating creatures! I've junctioned ten to myself, personally, but I'd be happy to see any new ones your Headmaster has found! Of course, I'm sure he's never heard of Gollum, which is the GF I discovered when I was on a mission in Middle Earth. I was the first one to discover it, of course, and no one has ever found another since then."  
  
"CARE, NOT," Fujin announced.  
  
"Hey, Fujin, didja ever get Pandemona back from Squall? Cuz he said that Ultimecia killed it and that he hoped you wouldn't find out, ya know?"  
  
Fujin's response was to kick him in the shins again. When the effect of the Mary Sue saved him from injury once more, she kicked Seifer instead. Relishing his yelp of pain and the obscene curse that flew from his lips, she found herself feeling quite a bit better. In fact...  
  
"TRAINING, DESIRED?" she asked Mary Sue politely. Or, at least, as politely as anyone can ask when she only speaks a maximum of two words per sentence.  
  
_"Instant Mood Swings. They're not just for breakfast anymore."_  
  
_"What better plot device to use in this kind of situation?"_  
  
_"True enough."_  
  
"Oh heavens no, I'm a level 93 right now and that's perfectly okay by me. But I'd be happy to show you my Limit Break if you'd like to accompany me to the Training Center," she offered sweetly.  
  
While it wasn't quite the verbal reaction she'd expected, the result fit in perfectly with her plan. "AFFIRMATIVE."  
  
As the four made their way to the Training Center, Mary Sue leading the way and babbling on and on about her other nine GFs, Seifer took the opportunity to pull Fujin back a few paces and hiss, "What the hell are you doing?"  
  
"PLAN, BRILLIANT. MARY SUE. DEATH, GORY. SILENCE. PEACE."  
  
"And how do you plan on having her killed?"  
  
"T-REXAUR."  
  
"You're crazy. You can't fight a T-Rexaur. Not after-"  
  
She cut him off with a frightening glare of her remaining eye. "FIGHT, NOT. MARY SUE FIGHT."  
  
"Fujin, listen to me. You can't even look at one of those things without freaking-"  
  
"RAGE!" Kick.  
  
"Shit! You glue bricks to the bottoms of those boots or something?"  
  
She didn't answer him, mostly because they had arrived at their destination, but even if that hadn't been the case she would have ignored him anyway.  
  
"What sort of beasts do you keep in here, by the way?" Mary Sue asked innocently, pressing her ear to the door and trying to ascertain whether the clanking noise inside was due to robots used for training or machinery used to feed the monsters.  
  
"Mostly Grats and Ochus, but there's one or two T-"  
  
While yet another kick to Raijin's shins still failed to hurt him in any way, it was enough to shut him up.  
  
"TONBERRIES," Fujin intercepted smoothly.  
  
"Wow, there's Tonberries in there now? No one told me about that, ya know?"  
  
"Oh, we don't have Tonberries at our school anymore. We fought and defeated so many of them that we have an inundation of Tonberry Kings now. Just about every student there has him as a GF now. In fact, I got mine at the age of ten-"  
  
"LIMIT BREAK," Fujin reminded her.  
  
"Oh, of course, so sorry to have forgotten," Mary Sue chirped. She pushed open the heavy steel doors and the four entered, single-file.  
  
A Grat appeared before them instantly. It was dead with a single slash of Seifer's gunblade. As he knelt to collect the little bottle of Silence Powder it had dropped, he was almost barreled over by Mary Sue as she grabbed his arm and shook it urgently.  
  
"Don't try to be a hero, Seifer," was her heartfelt plea. "I have to take some damage in order to be able to show you this. Please ... just let me get hurt ..." The big blue eyes were rapidly filling with tears, and while ninety percent of his brain was screaming at him to inflict the damage himself, the ten percent that was under the control of the Mary Sue forced him to nod and back away slowly. He fought down the urge to pat her hand reassuringly, as he knew he'd have to kill himself later if he let her turn him into some pansy-assed sensitive tool.  
  
_"L-sama..."_  
  
_"Pretty scary, isn't she?"_  
  
_"I always thought you were the nothing-better-to-do sort of evil. This proves me wrong. That thing is pure, unadulterated evil and you're even worse for putting her in there."_  
  
_"Glad to hear it."_  
  
_Shudder._  
  
"Aw, shucks, Mary Sue, we could always just cast an Aura-"  
  
Since kicking him had failed her so many times already that day, Fujin clamped her hand over Raijin's mouth and growled, "AURAS, DEPLETED."  
  
"Md Ay futt mwe nrew fmm-" Translated, he had been saying, "But I thought we drew some-"  
  
"NEGATIVE."  
  
"Mmph." ("Oh.")  
  
Seifer and Fujin spent the next five battles thoroughly enjoying themselves. The clanking noise they had heard when they entered was getting louder, but even that didn't bother them. Usually Seifer would have gone mad over the thought of spending an entire battle stocking up on useless Sleep spells (that never worked on anything important, besides), but the sight of Mary Sue getting the shit kicked out of her made up for it a hundredfold.  
  
Raijin knocked out a Grat before it could finish Mary Sue off entirely. Properly depleted of hit points, she rose from her kneeling position and announced, in a strong yet weary voice-  
  
_"How does *that* work? 'Strong yet weary'?"_  
  
_"Well it works under the same principle that allows Mary Sue to have 'emerald blue' or 'sapphire green' eyes. Mary Sues were never meant for logic."_  
  
_"I see. Proceed."_  
  
"Okay, I think I'm ready to show you my Limit Break. All we need to do is-"  
  
Before she could finish the sentence, two things happened. First, a T-Rexaur appeared behind her. Second, Fujin let out an uncharacteristically girly scream and fainted dead away.  
  
_"This chapter's getting way too long. I vote we start a new one."_  
  
_"Sounds good to me."_


End file.
